Some thoughts on imposter syndrome ...

If you could see what I see

you would be blinded by the colors…

Does anyone else have a flood of emotion that seems to sit in their throat making their eyes tear-up when they hear this song?

Just me? It's fine… I'm fine…

But in all seriousness, I feel this way about my clients. I am so fortunate to work with some of the best people you will ever meet and a big part of my mission (as their clinician and/or performance coach) is to help them see what I see (as Kacey Musgraves put it so beautifully!).

We are our worst critics and the narrative inside our heads that tells us how we should feel about ourselves can be downright awful. I’ve even told many of my clients to name that negative part of themselves and tell it to get lost. Sometimes, you will hear me even yell with my client Stacy (not her real name) that Susan (the real name of her internal voice) to get the F*** out of here! 

I won’t bore you today with why we have this negativity (*SPOILER- it's likely an evolutionary trait that is not often super helpful in modern day). But this voice is a big reason why we struggle with what is fondly termed, “imposter syndrome”. 

For the sake of transparency, I should admit that I struggle with imposter syndrome myself. 

If you are blessed with never having to endure this "syndrome", let me describe it to you...

Imposter syndrome can feel comparable to when you were a teenager and you finally passed your driver’s test. Now you are out on the open road for the first time all by yourself… and you are like, “OH NOOO… I can’t believe I pulled this off …people actually are letting me drive heavy machinery going 75 mph! This shouldn’t be allowed! Woohoo!” 

Imposter syndrome is usually an indication that something went RIGHT. You are now able to drive (per my example above), you achieved a promotion at work, you married the person of your dreams etc. It's a beautiful thing! However, when these successes are accompanied by dread and immense anxiety, it is really important that we engage in positive self-talk. You probably just said to yourself, “No duh, Sarah!” but the type of self-talk we deploy in these situations is where the magic happens. 

The self-talk I’m talking about can’t be vague. What I mean by this is that it can’t sound like, “Stop worrying, you are so great!” That's not really convincing. Instead your self talk needs to be specific and grounded in the details. 

Here is an example I can give from a previous client:

My client… let’s name him “Bob” couldn’t believe that he was able to move to a new city (that he loves) and find a community that embraced him with open arms. He is also the healthiest he has been in the past 10 years. He often will say things like, “I can’t believe this is my life. I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don’t understand how I pulled this off. I don’t deserve this…” He also expresses fear that people will change their minds about him and this goodness in his life will seep away. 

In these cases, I guide him to mine through the facts and use rational observation to challenge these thoughts.The conversation I facilitate involves a lot of questioning that look like this:

• This didn’t just happen to you. In fact, you made a really brave decision to move to a new place without knowing anyone. Not everyone has this type of courage. Were you scared to make such a big change? How did you get over that feeling?

• People are not forced to hang out with you- there must be something about you that people like and are drawn to. What are the qualities you think you possess?

• One of your values in life is authenticity and being dependable. I wonder if these are qualities that people are gravitating towards?

• You are fast and fit right now because you have made a choice every day to work at-it. When you could have been sleeping, or grabbing beers… you decided instead to train. How did you get yourself to show-up every day?

When we look at these facts and recognize Bob's discipline, we can realize that it's not that Bob was “lucky” but rather the fact that he made a series of small decisions every day that amounted to big change. 

This method works because, as people, when we feel like we have some agency over our lives, anxiety naturally falls away.

Another common example of imposter syndrome occurs when we get a promotion at work or are asked to speak on a topic in which we have expertise. In these cases, you have to put aside the internal dialogue of, “I actually don’t know what I’m doing. There are probably more capable people etc.” Again, ask yourself honestly what brought you to this place. Did you work hard? Are you passionate about the subject? If you saw someone else do this job, would you feel like you could do it too? These are all the important questions that need to be honestly addressed. 

In almost all cases, we can’t point to all the small decisions you made that led you to this moment. You delivered on the things in your life that you could control- it was earned!

There are so many times I wish I could just tell my clients, “You are amazing and this job or person or opportunity is perfect for you! Stop worrying!” However, our internal voices are stubborn and they need some convincing. So, go through the data mining and questioning and you will likely discover that you are actually exactly where you are supposed to be. 

I leave you with more lyrics from Kacey…

Oh, tie up the bow, take off your coat, and take a look around

Everything is alright now